I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
