you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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