This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
