I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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