My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
