She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
