There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
