Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
They have beer where we have blood.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
