I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
