My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
