At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
