Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
