I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
