i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
