I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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