My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
