i think my mom watched the whole time
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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