Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
