I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
