You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
