I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize