It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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