i wish my penis had a tongue
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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