You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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