I hope mine doesn't look like that
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
