Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
