That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
