he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
