i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize