She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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