Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
