Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize