Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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