Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
