The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
