the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
