He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
