How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize