i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
