I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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