I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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