I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
time to smoke my breakfast
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
