i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Randomize
