I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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