I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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