shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
