Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Dignity is for republicans.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
