Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Randomize
