we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
