He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
