i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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