if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
