I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
