"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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