i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
