Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Apparently you make a good broom.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
