I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
