i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
