i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
