its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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