You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
