somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize