I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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