It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
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