I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Come see our sink grown plant.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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