i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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